no. 04 : If I Just Found Out I Had Laser Eyes

Most Friday's I dine with a friend. Sometimes we talk about stuff like the following.

Me, “Sometimes when I eat, my eyebrows sweat, that's why I just took my glasses off. They were fogging up.”

“What if you are just finding out you have laser eyes?”

“You mean I have had laser eyes THIS WHOLE TIME and I am just finding out? I've lived my life with laser eyes and I didn't know? I would be so mad. … But then, I’d be happy. ‘Hey. I have laser eyes now.’”

“What would you do with them?”

“Well, I would start campfires with them … I would heat up my tea water. Save some money on electricity, not plugging in my kettle."

"I'd ruin so many kettles. 'Danggit. I burnt another one."

"OH! If I could control them, then I would use them to heat up people who annoy me, so they would get uncomfortable and leave.”

“That’s not good. That’s using them for evil.”

“Yeah, well. Like I said. I’d use them mostly in starting fire applications, like campfires.”

“What if you couldn’t control them? Like, it was this violent blast?” (Insert conversation about Scott Summers, Cyclops from X-men.)

“Then I would probably be in some government lab somewhere where they’d the be trying to figure it out. The generals would be all, ‘Imagine if we had 1000 super soldiers with laser vision!’"


“But then I would get tired of it one day and just leave.”

“Zip. Zip. Zip. I’m out of here.”

“See you later, General Smith. I’m done.”


“But. Oh. They would probably put me in a mirrored room. Walls. Floor. Ceiling. So I couldn’t escape.”

"That's a great idea. You couldn't get out."

"These guys are smart. Or I already escaped one time and they figured it out."

“That would be really annoying. I guess you could cover it with something.”

“Yeah. You could paint it, but when the laser burned through the layer of paint, it would start to reflect.”

“That would work.”

“There has to be some industrial application, doesn’t there, for out of control laser eyes, right? Like I could dig ditches or something.”

“Oh. You know what? Sculpting.”


“You’d be great at parties. Really fast ice sculptures.”

“Yeah, but they’d have to stand back, because I’d be dangerous.”

“I like how the application we agree on is the one where you’d be broke.”

“Well, I am already and artist, so it makes sense."


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