no. 01 : That One Time with the Cats and the Spider Robot Apocalypse

Mankind was slow to notice the gradual propagation of the spider robots. Global first glance occurred on August 31, 2015, on Youtube. However, after a mere 135,009 views, cultural glee—and therefore attention—was replaced by a baby who could fart and blow spit bubbles at the same time.

The proverbial frog in the pot of slowly heated water, humans found themselves inundated, with the spider robot invasion turned up to “boil.” Having spent a decade preparing for a zombie apocalypse, they found their nail-festooned, crudely wrapped in barbed-wire baseball bats ineffective in what was essentially a ground attack. Trained to “shoot them in the head”—and spider robots being sans a head to shoot—mankind was befuddled, and therefore, doomed.

The feline community, on the other hand, took notice at once. The red plastic projectiles the spider robots shot willy-nilly delighted them to no end. Their human masters turned to them for help, but the cats were all, “It’s all good. They shoot those super fun plastic discs we like to bat around until they disappear into the irretrievable Under the Couch Dimension.” At its last gasp mankind entreated them a final time: “Cats! Help us! The spider robots!” The cats said, “You know, we would, but look at their YELLOW FUZZY BOBBING ANTENNAE THING! OMG, you guys. We can’t stop playing with it. Spider robots, you really are the most.”

Millennia later when otherworld explorers step onto earth they will discover it entirely and exclusively covered in spider robots and their feline playmates. Marveling at the once great civilization in crumbled ruin around them, they will scratch their gill covered heads at the planet-wide sound of the whir-click-thunk of the robots’ throwing device and soft padding of pouncing cats. As the door to their interstellar crafts “shufts” closed, they will remark with gratitude that here the cosmic invasion of spider robots was deep-sixed by creatures whose interest in them seemed tenuous, while at the same time complete. A feat—they will also note—therefore twice performed by those same fur covered creatures; having stifled the former ape derived bipedal inhabitants’ galactic designs with their hypnotic and will destroying videotaped shenanigans. Ergo, the universe is saved.

Thusly shall the toast, “All hail Grumpy Cat,” ring throughout the cosmos.

This post was inspired by this amazing video.


  1. Glad to see that video was so inspiring. But I wonder, is it the cats we need to save us, or are the spider robots really fighting for us? I mean after all, those robots actually do our bidding, which is not the case with any cat i've ever known.


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